Hi, it’s Áine.

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I used to have a lot of shoulds in my life.

I should make that appointment.

I should follow up with them.

I should start that project.

I should go to that thing.

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If you, too, have a lot of shoulds, this might help.

It turns out that when we think and say these types of "should" things, our brains hear a threat.

“Should” usually carries two signals at once:

• That we’re failing some standard (we’re not enough yet).
• That we have a vague instruction with no clear first step.

That combination tends to constrict instead of mobilize us.

It nudges us toward defense and avoidance, not toward action.

There’s also a deeper layer: “should” is obligation language.

Even when you’re saying it to yourself, it feels like something being imposed on you. Your brain is sensitive to anything that feels like a demand. It subtly pushes back, even against things you logically want.

Self‑determination research shows this: when something feels like it’s threatening your sense of autonomy, intrinsic motivation drops. The more your inner voice sounds like a boss giving orders, the more another part of you wants to duck.

Over time, repeated “shoulds” train your brain to associate certain tasks and areas of life with shame and pressure rather than with meaning or choice. That’s why some items on your list feel heavier than the work itself. It's the story around them that's doing the damage.

Here’s a quick writing protocol you can use to flip it

Use this when you're telling yourself you should do something and not actually doing it (and maybe feeling consistent resistance around it):

Step 1 - Catch one “should”

Write down the Should statement that you’ve been circling.

Step 2 - Get honest about what’s underneath

Write for 1-2 minutes:

“If I’m honest, what I feel when I tell myself I should do this is…”

Include whatever shows up: guilt, dread, boredom, pressure, resentment, fear of what it means if you don’t do it. The goal is to surface the emotional cost your brain's trying to avoid.

Step 3 - Ask what you actually care about

Now shift the question: “Underneath the ‘should,’ what I do actually care about here is…”

Examples:

• “Keeping commitments with people I respect.”
• “Feeling better in my body.”
• “Doing work I’m proud of and not living in a constant scramble.”

You’re looking for the value the “should” is clumsily pointing at.

Step 4 - Decide: keep, change, or drop

Select and write:

1. “This is something I choose to keep on my plate because…”
2. “Or, this is something I’m choosing to let go of for now because…”
3. “If I keep it, the smallest next action I’m willing to take in the next 24 hours is…”

Some “shoulds” are just inherited noise that doesn’t belong to you. Others really do matter, but move them from “you must” to “I choose.” You get to decide.

Step 5 - Rewrite the original sentence

If you’re keeping it, rewrite your original line:

• From: “I should [do X]”
• To: “I’m choosing to [do X] because [value], and my next move is [tiny, concrete action].”

Example:

• From: “I should be more on top of my health.”
• To: “I’m choosing to go for a 15‑minute walk after work because I want more energy and less brain fog, and my next move is to put my shoes by the door now.”

Why this works

You’re doing three things at once here:

• Interrupting the threat signal. Moving from “I’m failing” language to “I choose” language lowers the internal pressure just enough that your brain doesn’t have to defend itself.
• Making the value explicit. Your system is more willing to move when it knows what the point is, not just what the rule is.
• Shrinking the ask. A specific, visible next move is much easier for your brain to say yes to than a vague demand to “be better.”

Hope this helps,
-- Aine
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